The second at which Jennifer Lopez hit an ideal crucifix pose on the very prime of a pole, held up solely by her legendary thighs and robust work ethic, was the second at which I knew I used to be watching the best Tremendous Bowl Halftime Present of all time (non-Prince division). It could have blown final yr’s sleepy Maroon 5 efficiency proper out of my reminiscence if it had stayed in there to start with, and that’s earlier than we even get into no matter Shakira was doing right here:
It’s good that these two spangly goddesses confirmed up. They’d dancers pulling essentially the most intense dancer faces this facet of Toni Basil’s “Mickey” video, and particular company J Balvin and a man I initially recognized as “I believe Mister Bananas?” (it was Unhealthy Bunny). Shakira and J. Lo saved the night time, as a result of the Tremendous Bowl and its related branded traditions have been fairly grim this yr. (It’s additionally fortunate that Shakira’s breasts are small and humble, so you do not confuse them with mountains. That may be a actual precise lyric from Shakira’s breakthrough U.S. single “Wherever, Each time” from 2001, and I simply celebrated my 19th anniversary of not fucking believing it.) The entire thing has turn out to be so grand, so jingoistic, so overstuffed with which means and significance, that it’s unimaginable to search out pleasure in it. It’s very loud white noise by now, a music that’s all crescendo.
The pomp was turned all the way in which up this yr for the 100th anniversary of the NFL. It’s a company that’s mired in scandal, however you can not deny that 100 is a pleasant spherical quantity, so we celebrated by naming the 100 biggest NFL gamers of all time, which included OJ Simpson, who was for some cause a no-show.
Earlier than the induction ceremony of the CTE Corridor of Fame, Fox aired a Sean Hannity interview with President Trump, which resulted in Hannity’s obvious trademark “Lightning Spherical,” during which Hannity simply named individuals Trump doesn’t like and let him criticize them with no follow-up questions. On this interview, we realized that Mike Bloomberg is attempting to get the DNC to supply him an apple field to face on for the upcoming debates, and in the previous couple of a long time, now we have realized to not imagine something Donald Trump says. (His declare is, after all, categorically false.) Pay attention: the nation has by no means been extra divided—one half of the nation believes the president of america dedicated a criminal offense, whereas the opposite half believes the President of america dedicated a criminal offense— however we are able to all agree on one factor: an interview with the chief of the free world shouldn’t steal a section from Household Feud.
From right here, it solely made sense for the Nationwide Anthem to be carried out by somebody recovering from a really public breakdown. Demi Lovato crushed it, and received all of it out in lower than one minute and fifty seconds, which each made me completely satisfied and earned me $20 in a facet guess. This was after Yolanda Adams sang “God Bless America,” and I don’t know the way we haven’t made Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Crimson, White & Blue (The Indignant American)” a required a part of each sporting occasion, however I’m sure it is going to occur in my lifetime. The coin toss was festooned with flags that parted to disclose aged veterans. It was all infused with a performative, flag pin form of patriotism, so after all the primary spot within the industrial break afterwards was for the Prime Gun sequel.
The gamers entered the sector through some form of Britney Spears video narrated by The Rock, after which 1,000,000 youngsters sprinted out, after which there have been fireworks, after which we discovered there’s about to be a Lego sport present. The commercials have been baffling and typically efficient: I don’t know which skateboarding toddler within the Mountain Dew demographic might be moved by Bryan Cranston inside The Shining, however I’ve already been to 3 grocery shops searching for these pretzel PopTarts. I additionally don’t know the way “BabyNut” went over at your Tremendous Bowl social gathering, however mine was filled with comedy individuals, and my eardrums sustained everlasting harm.
One reputable shock was a full-length advert from a merciless and vindictive demise cult ( after which additionally there was one for Scientology). The Trump re-election marketing campaign ran an advert touting its success in felony justice reform, and whereas I applaud it, a Trump advert about reuniting households is Mister Bananas. Additionally, there was some form of sport, which somebody gained, and if my physique have been lower than 60 p.c queso, I would bear in mind who. Soccer shouldn’t be my factor, however the Tremendous Bowl can reliably inform us who we’re as a rustic, and this yr, we appear a bit belligerent and insecure. We’re determined to let you know how essential we’re, how important our century-old establishments, and our brightest lights are our pop stars, our dancers and our immigrants. Jesus Christ on a stripper pole, ain’t that America.